Art According to Allison, Part the Third: The Da Wheeler Code*

After re-reading The Da Vinci Code (did I mention I don't have a television?), I reached several conclusions about author Dan Brown.  The first is that he is clearly a genius who totally showed me that hating on the womens is not just a nasty historical side effect of Christianity (and most major religions, but hey), but is, in fact, the reason for its existence.  I have since mended my church going ways and as I speak I'm running through a field in long white cotton dresses wearing a daisy wreath and celebrating the power of my chalice (since my "sacred feminine" is actually just a fancy way of talking about my ripe, fertile ladyparts.  Thanks, Dan, I feel so empowered!).  

The second is that poor Dan Brown must not have had much time in the Louvre.  I mean, I've only been here since January, and I've already discovered another shocking layer to the true nature of Christ just by wandering the Grand Gallery with my camera phone:

Small though it may appear to you, let's start with this offering by Pietro Vannucci.  The two paintings on the end depict scenes from the life of St. Jerome; the middle panel depicts the resurrection.  But do you notice anything odd about the panel on the right?  Let's take a closer look:

  Saint Jerome's invisibility cloak is slipping off!!!!  Don't you know what this means?!  If you need more examples to lead you to the extremely obvious conclusion that I'm eventually going to draw, let's take a look at Luca Signorelli's saint Jerome penitant en extase:

Christ is depicted FLYING on a WOODEN CROSS.  Does this remind you of any other story where a martyr figure flies around on a long wooden object, like, I don't know, A BROOMSTICK? Nope, not there yet? Let's take a look at this naked statue of Mary Magdalene:

Doesn't her hair have a lovely red quality?  Doesn't she look sad, like maybe her boyfriend is off locked in a deadly confrontation with the forces of darkness?  Doesn't she totally look awesome in the way that only women who were raised around lots and lots of brothers can possibly be (since she's all pretty and girly but can totally talk sports and take the mickey out you as well)?  Hmm?  Still not convinced?  Well let me offer my last piece of 100% COMPLETELY FACTUAL EVIDENCE THAT WILL ENSURE THAT YOU CANNOT DENY THE VALIDITY OF MY CONCLUSIONS:

Pietro Giovanni d'Ambrogio's La Vierge et l'Enfant entoures d'anges.  Notice anything about the figure at the top?  Let's do a God-hance:

Big God, Tiny Head.  Remind you of a scene from a book you might have read where they're all in the Department of Mysteries and a bad guy that might be called a Death Eater messes with Time and his head turns into a baby's head on a grown-up bad guy's body?  Doesn't it?  DOESN'T IT?!  So in my EXPLOSIVE conclusion...

Christ wasn't divine, He was a WIZARD!  And Mary Magdalene (which is some obscure language eventually translates to "Ginny Weasley") was his WITCHY BABY MAMA!  Three months of Louvre-going and I have solved history.  You're welcome.  Ron Howard:  call me.

*Yes, I'm aware that I'm about eight years late in jumping on the Dan Brown mockery train, but it seems that train might have enough steam to keep going indefinitely.  And now I can't go to the Louvre without seeing the inverted pyramid and thinking about how Dan Brown is trying to convince everyone that's a big ol' vag, so I had to go ahead and do him a solid in response.