So That's...Different, Part II, The Part Where I Pretend I Know Anything About the French Language

I cannot wait for visitors.  My mother, father and sister just spent a week here, and some of my friends (you know who you are) have been making some noise about popping over for a spell.  I sincerely hope that you do because a) it means that the bumbling mistakes I make are made in the name of "research" for your benefit and b) ok, fine, I do actually like you.  And so for those of you who plan on coming to see MontEnchantedFairyLandsouris and The Great Glass Pimple for yourself, the following is for your edification and benefit.


So as I've mentioned, AH and I were thrilled to play tour guide to my mother, father and sister last week.  Actually, I'm not sure who was guiding whom: my sister had done enough research on Paris to fill several spreadsheets, and my father could tell you everything you ever wanted to know about Normandy.  I actually felt sorely inadequate much of the time.  But the one area that Lonely Planet wasn't as helpful in was that of the French language.  Now I have documented some of my struggles with the French language here on this very bloggy blog, but it is was indisputable fact that between Rosetta Stone and the harsh mistress of experience (she wears very saucy heels and looks excellent in leather), AH and I had some translating duties on our hands.  Which we were happy to do, even if the idea of us translating French to English is still a bit like asking Sarah Palin to give a lecture on American History:  we might succeed in getting some of the main ideas across, but the margin for error is...considerable.


It occurred to me partway through the week that it might be useful for future visitors (you, I hope!) to have a cheat sheet of phrases that will come in handy for your visit to Paris.  Could you just buy a phrase book?  Of course.  But chances are you won't need to know how to say, "Qu'est-ce que tu as de prevu pour Noel (What did you do for Christmas)?" if you're only going to be here for a week.  And to spare you the smug glances/overeagerness of your host (me) that greet you when you ask for the French phrase for something (I'm so infrequently useful that I do tend to get smug/super-excited when I can be), here's a list of things that will get you through one week in Paris:


General:
.Ou se trouve____(Oo say troov)= Where is the_______?
.Parlez-vous anglais (Par-lay voo ahn-glay)?= Do you speak English?  (If you get into a situation where you know you'll need an English speakers help, it will ALWAYS get you a more positive response if you begin in French.  In fact, if you memorize nothing else from this list, please commit this to memory).
.Bon journee (Bohn jzoor-nay)= Have a nice day (customary to say as you're leaving a shop or restaurant).
.Bon soiree (Bohn swar-ay)= Have a nice evening 


On the Metro:
.When you bump into or need to get past someone (as is likely to happen at least once), the appropriate thing to say is Pardon (Par-dohn).
.These you'll figure out quickly:  
            Sortie (Sore-tee)= Exit
            Poussez (Poo-say)= Push
            Tirez (Tir-ay)= Pull
.Billet (Bee-yay)= Ticket


Shopping:
.Combien ca cout (Com-bee-en sah koot)= How much does it cost?
.Je voudrais acheter ____ (Jzay voo-dray ash-tay___)= I would like to buy_____


In a Restaurant:
.Une table pour____(Oon tab-luh poor)= A table for______
.Je voudrais____ (Jzay voo-dray)= I would like_______
.Vin (Vahn)= Wine
.Un plus (Uhn ploo)= One more
.Une carafe d'eau, s'il vous plait (Oon care-afe doh, see voo play)= One carafe of water, please (they don't serve water unless you ask for it.  And if you just ask for a water, it's likely to be sparkling, and it will not be free).
As for specific food, I suggest you learn the names of things you don't like eating.  Some examples might be:
.Oeuf (Uhf)= Egg (that was important for my mama, as they put eggs on everything here)
.Foie (Fwa)= Liver
.Poisson (Pwa-sohn)= Fish- just like it sounds in The Little Mermaid.
.Tartar (Exactly what it sounds like)= Raw beef.  Like, your mom went to Giant Eagle, bought some ground beef, and instead of grilling it up, slapped it down in front of you and said, "Eh, I don't feel like cooking tonight.  Let's pretend we're French."
And after you've drank all of that wine and still, free water...
.Ou sont les toilletes (Oo sohn lay twa-lets)= Where are the toilets?
And finally...
.L'addition, sil vous plait (La-di-see-ohn, see voo play)= Check, please.


What You Need to Know in Any Tourist Area:
.WOOO, I SPEAK AMURICAN, BITCHES! WE SAVED YOUR ASS IN WWII, SO SUCK OUR STAR-SPANGLED (censored)!!!


Ok, perhaps not, but you can get away with a lot more English in places like the Eiffel Tower and the Latin Quarter right around Notre Dame than you can in quaint little cafes off the beaten paths.  So if you find yourself out of the hive of fellow tourists, make sure you've committed these helpful little phrases to memory.  Or bring me along, and accept smug grins and utter incompetence as my fee.