Art According to Allison, Part the First

QUICK NOTE: As you may have noticed, I turn off my "church filter" when writing this blog.  This post is no exception.  OK, you have been warned.  Carry on.

*Cue the fancy music*

Now that I have successfully purchased an annual Louvre pass, I plan on spending much time wandering its hallowed halls.  I recently heard a statistic that if one were to be at the Louvre every hour that it was open for nine months, one could just barely glance at every single object of art on display.  Having wandered around its parts of its seemingly endless labyrinths three times in the past two weeks, I could certainly be persuaded to the truth of that assertion.

I knew that the art of the Louvre would provide ample material to report back to my dear friends on.  However, as I said, there is a lot to see, and by the time I made it home last Saturday, all I could remember was the statue of a nymph being carried off by a centaur where her nipples pointed straight up.  Having learned my lesson, yesterday I busted out my travel journal and took notes on things that stood out to me for one reason or another.  I'm sure I looked like a Serious Art Person, what with my glasses and bun and notebook.  Oh, if only my fellow patrons could have seen what I was writing down:

Denon Wing

Salle de Manage

.Satyres en Atlante- Satyres is four slightly larger-than-life statues of naked hairy men posed identically and arranged in a circle with their backs facing one another.  The hilarious thing to me was that each of them are posed with their hands on their hips, looking down with a confused expression on their face.  I like to think that they each had a lustful encounter with a loose nymph and are trying to make sense of the evidence left in the aftermath.

.Ceremonie Funebre- This was actually quite beautiful.  The artist managed to capture expressions of real grief on the mourners faces.  I was particularly moved by the close proximity of the women and the children to the female deceased, as if they were somehow more intimately involved in the mourning process.  My only qualm was that the deceased looked less like she was peacefully in the beyond and more like she had just passed out from a really good orgasm (bared breasts, twisted body posture).  I guess that could be a good or bad thing, depending on how you ideally want to go when the time comes.

.Tete de saint Jean Baptiste in disco (17th c.)- The Head of John the Baptist in a disco.  Ok, it's actually The Head of John the Baptist in a disc (as in, on a big fancy plate).  But I prefer to think of John the Baptist's head (just his severed head, mind you) hanging out at Studio 54 having a chat with Andy Warhol and Bianca Jagger.

.L'enfant Jesus jouant avec un clou (Paulo Bernini)- The baby Jesus playing with a nail.  I mean, I know a lot of religious art is big on fore-shadowing, but c'mon, no one wants to think of the Virgin Mary getting distracted making dinner, setting the baby on the floor only to turn around and see him playing with a rusty nail.  Too guilt-wracking of a thought for us mortals who deal with mortal children- I can't imagine the fall-out from letting the Son of Man get tetanus.

Galerie Daru

. Sarcophagi- So it appears that when commissioning your sarcophagus, you could ask for just about any scene from myth or history you wanted (unless the nice-looking husband and wife on this particular sarcophagus really did kill a bunch of amazons, in which case, mazel tov).  So when I die, can I get that scene from Titanic where the guy's leg hits the propeller?

Salle Art Romain #24

.L'Imperatrice Messaline- So I know that baby she's holding is probably a future emperor.  BUT BABIES STILL SHOULD NOT HAVE SIX PACKS.

If, after reading this, you are craving art and museum coverage that doesn't involve penis jokes, I would highly recommend that you scootch on over to the Museummonger (http://museummonger.wordpress.com/).  MM is actually a very good friend of mine from college and is currently pursuing a Masters in Design Criticism.  MM created this blog because, in her own words,"By my last count, New York City has at least 86 amazing museums.  It is my goal to visit all of them and encourage you to do the same.  I want to value the places that keep our culture's objects of value."  Always insightful, always well-written, and it even has the added bonus of having beautiful pictures to illustrate her stories (still working on that, folks- I will eventually be able to stop stealing from other people's Flickr pages).